She’s a Maniac
I know, we all love our children and could talk about them for hours on end, right? Well, what if that’s the only thing that you were able to talk about after your darling baby was born? Would you want someone, perhaps a dear friend, to tell you that you’ve lost your identity since becoming a mom and need to get a life back? We received an email from Leslie, a best friend to a new mom in Austin. She writes:
OMG! I am so in need of some mommy advice. I have no kids myself but am a good friend to a new mom of seven months. At least I used to be a good friend to her. Since she had her son, all she can do is talk about him. Every time we are together, whether it’s just hanging out at one of our houses or if we are out without the baby (which has only happened twice) she won’t stop telling me all of the new things he’s doing or what he should be doing, even going so far as talking about how many poopies he’s had. As a single, childless woman, I just don’t relate to this, but I digress. I have really tried being the supportive friend through this with the understanding that it’s a life changing event, but I want a part of my best friend back. I want her to be in my reality again, even if it’s only ten minutes at a time. I’ve talked to her about this before and she doesn’t believe how bad it is. I’m not sure what my next move should be. Do I move out of her life and hope that she realizes that she needs to get a life of her own back? Is there a timframe for moms to be completely nuts over the baby before realizing that they’ve lost themselves in the process? I found this site through her and am hoping that she reads it and realizes that it’s her that we are talking about!
Can you put yourself in both of their shoes? What’s the childless friend supposed to do if the mom doesn’t listen to her concerns over their friendship? Is it normal to talk about your baby all of the time for a certain period of time before someone can approach you on it? It’s like the six month dating rule… you just don’t expect your friends to have much contact with you when they are in a new relationship. Will she eventually snap out if it or does she need a slap back into reality?
April 28th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Wow. I can totally relate to both sides of this fence. I was the single, childless one for many years and now I am one of “them”. Although I too get tired of people only talking about kids. A friend of mine once said to me (in an effort to explain why new moms talk about their kids all the time) that “it’s just what you are doing at the time”. I think of that often. People in grad school, talk about grad school. People who are into exercise talk about exercise, etc. I don’t know what the answer is, but I keep reading the ‘New Yorker’ in an effort to be a bit more well rounded in the conversation department. Who knows if it helps or not.
April 28th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
I am headed into baby world very soon and it is my fear that my husband and I will melt into full-on-baby-brains and forget that anything else on the planet exists. I am counting on our friends without kids to keep us grounded – to make sure that we have other things to discuss. We chose to talk to them about this for the past 8 months… I have given them permission to tell us when our baby stories have worn out their welcome. But, I can only imagine that having a baby is all-encompassing, and that it is tough to discuss politics when your little miracle just smiled for the first time. We’ll see how it goes!
April 28th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
She’ll come back around, but it may be a while. As in a few years. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Until she has other things outside of the house that she does on her own, and the child has grown up a little, this is what there is. As her friend, and being childless and single, you’re in a unique position to offer two things, if you’re up for it:
- Free babysitting services! In exchange for a night out with her without the baby doing something that you’ll both enjoy, and tell her for her own mental health she’s allowed only 20 minutes of baby-talk, and that’s it. It’s a win-win!
- Being the I-just-can’t-take-another-minute-focused-on-my-baby break. She will need this. Eventually. And you’re there for her. When we become mommies, really so much of our world is truly swallowed up by our new role. We know it isn’t healthy, but it’s intoxicating and thrilling and the most amazing thing most of us have ever done. We assume the madness is temporary, so we indulge in the complete submersion, knowing that this precious early time with baby is fleeting and temporary and when it’s gone it’s gone *forever* and before you know it (really) they’re running outside to play with friends with a quick “I’m going to Sam’s house!” and they’re out the door. If you can hang around until then, she’ll be back.
It’s sooo hard to keep up your friendships with friends who don’t have kids – even the really patient and understanding ones, like it sounds like you are. Don’t take it personally – we all went through this, and we all lost friends along the way. It is truly all-consuming. But it won’t always be, if you can wait it out.
April 30th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
I can say that I was in the same position your friend was in with my first. I had only childless friends at the time and instantly felt like I was no longer in their world. It was honestly pretty lonely for me and I think that made me talk more and more about my new baby. Looking back, I think I must have been trying to show them that my world was cool too.
Maybe you can continue to include her in your world- she will come around in time and your relationship will be that much stronger!
April 30th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
what a tough spot to be in! maybe you could draw her out by asking her specific questions about HER or maybe taking trips down memory lane about things you did together before the baby came. i agree with bonnie’s friend; when you make the switch to mom (especially if/when you become a full-time SAHM mom), baby stuff is all you deal with and can really talk about with any kind of authority. i can see how it gets overhelming and “old” to be the friend that is on the receiving end.
hang in there. i, too, believe your friend will come around. for me, getting out of the infancy/baby stage seemed to do the trick. as my daughter became more independant, so did i. i finally felt free to return to some of my old hobbies and to go back to work. now i have a lot more to talk about than just baby/kid stuff.