Saying Goodbye
A friend of mine just lost her loyal dog of over fourteen years. He passed away suddenly, with very little time to say goodbye. She has two kids- a three year old and an infant. The three year old is certainly old enough to notice the absence of a family member, especially one who surely followed her around, eager to lick off any food that she might have missed or greeted her excitedly as she walked in the door from pre-school. It’s a hard thing to lose a pet. I wonder how to make it easier and more understandable to young ones.
I have an almost twenty year old cat who is steadily going downhill. She’s been my devoted cat since I was thirteen years old; always by my side, sleeping next to me at night while her paw rested gently on my arm. She had a habit of always having to touch me if she laid by me, somewhat irritating at the time, bitter sweet now. Unfortunately, she is losing control of her bladder, has forgotten where the litter box is most of the time and has been banished to living out her final days in the garage or outside. She’s always been an indoor cat, so this has been quite an adjustment for her. Luckily, she sleeps for about twenty-two out of twenty-four hours a day, so the guilt that I feel is somewhat lessened. I bring her in several times so that she has some human time. She still knows who I am. She still wants to lay on my chest and know that she’s still loved. But, soon enough, I fear that I will most likely have to make that decision; the one where I say my goodbyes to her, load her up and take her to the vet to be put to sleep. In my opinion, it’s one of the worst decisions to have to make in life. I’ve been hoping that she dies naturally so that this decision doesn’t have to be made.
My son was almost five the last time that I went through this. We had a dog who I got at around the same time that I got this twenty-year old cat of mine. She was my baby before I had babies. I had to put her to sleep. My son was sad but not as sad as I would have thought. I was distraught. I heard her paws tapping on the wood floors for months after she was gone. I heard her bark and instinctively went to let her outside first thing in the morning long after she died. Now that my son is ten, he’s much more sensitive to the idea of losing a pet. He’s a lot like his mother when it comes to loving animals. I’ve tried to tell him that the cat’s days are limited, but he just gets a look on his face like he doesn’t want to face it.
Do you have any good advice to share with us about this difficult situation? Were there any special coping techniques that you used when a family pet died? What about when you had to put your pet to sleep- did you tell the kids before hand to give them a chance to say goodbye as well? Did you do it without them knowing to make it a little easier on them? At what age do you think it makes more of an impact on children to lose a pet?
April 6th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
thanks for posting this, catherine, and for linking to ippy’s story. now that i’ve had more time to react, in reflection anyway, i wish i’d given livie the chance to say goodbye. i didn’t at the time b/c i didn’t want to upset her with the idea that ippy was going away and not coming back b/c she was sick. i am still scared that the next time livie gets sick, she’s going to think that she’s going to leave and not come back, too.
livie wasn’t super bonded with ippy, but she does miss her and she’s very aware of my sadness and that of our other dog, copper. she’s empathetic and sympathetic toward both of us, and that means so much to me and demonstrates to me that she’s processing the loss of ippy.
i am sorry that you are also facing this with your kitty. it’s such a terrible decision to have to make. i, too, had always hoped that ippy would pass naturally and painlessly after a nice, long, love-filled life.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
I’m sorry to Lori for her loss of her furry family member. I had to let my beloved dog go, 3 times now. Once for a severe injury, I’d had her for 15 years… then again when my wonderful friend lost the ability to stand in her late senior days.. and then 2 years ago my lovely Twyla who developed an illness that we couldn’t cure.
It hurts.. it hurts a lot. Each of those 3 dogs were my family members. The last 2 dogs were when I had kids. I told my sons that they had to go but that we’d see them again someday. It’s hard. Our kids are resilient, and deal with it much better than we think they will.
Hugs to you and to Lori.