Interfaith Holidays by Julie Aziz
Holiday planning comes with at least a minor amount of stress for most of us. Not only are there gifts to buy and in-law expectations to manage, but religious participation, or lack thereof, to consider as well. For interfaith families, these stressors are often multiplied, as parents struggle not only with how to celebrate a holiday, but which holidays should even be included in the celebrations.
I have often felt that the word “interfaith family” was a little too broad, for it encompasses parents who identify with two different religions, families in which only one parent is religiously involved, secular humanists/agnostics/atheists without current religious participation but with different religious backgrounds, and all sorts of other combinations. A common challenge arises for all these couples, however, when kids are involved and December rolls around each year. Interfaith parents must work to consciously plan a unified approach to their family’s holiday participation in a way that reflects their unique mix.
For many of us, interfaith and single-faith alike, the winter holidays bring back strong associations with our families of origin. Whether positive or negative, we often feel strongly about what must be done.
We must have a Christmas tree and attend midnight mass.
We have to go out to dinner and a movie on Christmas, while all the Christians are celebrating and we have the place to ourselves.
We should exchange gifts, but no religious stuff.
We have to make latkes and light the menorah, but we can’t have a Christmas tree.
Sometimes interfaith parents can accommodate both partners’ wishes, but oftentimes, the wishes are in direct opposition. It is then up to the parents to sit down and look for some kind of overlap, remembering the shared values that brought the couple together. They have to discern between the traditions that really have meaning for them, and the discomforts and misinformation they have inherited. Each interfaith family will choose a little differently, and most likely, choose again as their children grow older and seek more in-depth explanations.
I myself am Jewish, and grew up celebrating all the major Jewish holidays, but very much not celebrating even a secular Christmas. My brother and I begged and pleaded for a Christmas tree like all our friends, but the answer was clear: We are Jewish, we don’t celebrate Christmas. Marrying a Catholic man has made December a little different for me in my adulthood. I suppose you could say that now I can have that Christmas tree, and it is true, but it also exposes the issue that many, though certainly not all, Jews sometimes identify with what we don’t do in December, as opposed to what we actually do.
This year it comes up with my son’s growing interest in media- for months now he has been asking about Christmas, since he has heard so much about it from his Maisy CD and Arthur videos. I have to fight off my latent conditioning as a Jewish American to dismiss it completely, since I can not say, like my own parents did, that “we” just don’t celebrate that holiday. The family my husband and I created does celebrate that holiday, and it is up to me to see the positive and good in Christmas and pass that on to my interfaith children. So when I explain Christmas, it may sound different than what my husband or other Christians might say, but it reflects the meaning it has come to have for me. I tell my son that Christmas is about generosity and love. I tell him that the holiday remembers the birth of Jesus, a really wonderful man who taught lots of people that it was most important to love and help each other. And so that when we celebrate Christmas, we remember to love and help people too. I try to keep it simple, just like I do when I explain Hanukkah. For me, Hanukkah is about real-life miracles– that there can be light in the darkness, hope when we feel lost or despairing. Yes, there is plenty of theology and history that I am leaving out, but in the end, I want my children to remember these highlights, so that holidays become about remembering, each year, to focus on what is really important about being human.
I also try to explain that families have different beliefs, just like they eat different foods, and that as you grow up, you get to learn about all the beliefs and think more about your own ideas. Grandparents, aunts, and uncles may tell our children all sorts of stories, some of which make a spouse who is from another religion, or non-religious, very uncomfortable. I often think about a couple I knew with Christian fundamentalist grandparents on one side. and avidly atheist ones on the other. The parents had to really think about their own stance on religion. They learned over time to allow some amount of proselytizing at family gatherings before redirecting the children on to other activities, and they always talked with their kids afterwards about their own ideas regarding what the grandparents said. They did not try to cut off all contact with their families of origin, and they tried not to engage in any direct battles over theology with their own parents. But that is just one way– the strategies interfaith parents use are many, but the successful ones seem to follow a cardinal rule- the couple remembers to stay on the same team.
Of course, the soul-searching and parental negotiation does not really end with the coming of the new year, though many of us sigh in relief when the month is over. Interfaith parents not only have holidays to consider, but what, if any, religious education to provide, and what kind of religious identity they want to nurture. Sounds like a big job, and it is. But I comfort myself with the larger picture. Considering our world’s history of religious-based conflict, it is absolutely essential that different religious groups learn to understand, respect, and appreciate each other. And if interfaith parents can continue to work for the best of what they each have to offer, these interfaith kids may just turn up with some unique perspectives on interfaith dialogue. And even if they end up not caring a whit about religion, we know that just by engaging in the dialogue on this micro-level, we are contributing to the process of peace.
Julie Aziz is the creator of Motherself, providing individualized self-discovery services for moms’ personal, professional, and spiritual growth. She was ordained as an interfaith minister through One Spirit Interfaith, officiates at interfaith weddings, and is a former editor of Dovetail: A Journal By & For Jewish/Christian Families. Julie is Jewish, married to a Catholic man, and raising their two sons in both Jewish Renewal and Catholic traditions. She can be found on the web at www.motherself.com or through email at julieaziz@gmail.com
December 14th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Great post, Julie! I was raised Greek Orthodox and my husband Baptist and both of us have decided not to introduce religion into our son’s life, at least not for now. But I enjoyed attending a Chanukah celebration last week and talking to him about religion, if he asks. It does seem similar to me to a lot of things kids will be exposed to that parents may not “approve of” — expose them and talk about it as a family and what values the family has chosen to espouse and why. Then see what the child ends up deciding for him/herself!