Let’s Talk About Therapy
While I enjoy retail therapy and even individual therapy, today I am curious about couples therapy. Is this a taboo subject? It has become more and more acceptable to talk publicly about individual therapy, but I rarely hear talk about couples therapy. I will admit that it is not always easy for me to communicate with my spouse. If it was easy then that phrase about women and men being from different planets wouldn’t be so popular.
Growing up as a Catholic, I know that to be married in the Catholic Church you must complete couples’ premarital counseling usually in the form of a retreat and/or classes. Since I was not married in the church, I don’t really know if they are helpful or not, but I have heard both positives and negatives from friends and family. Either way, should there really just be required retreats only before you get married? Really, the trouble doesn’t start until after the I do’s, after the honeymoon when the dishes pile up, the trash doesn’t get taken out, the baby needs a bath, the lawn looks like a jungle, or you just plain run out of things to say. Isn’t this when a retreat would be helpful? Or at least a refresher!
I decided to see if there are retreats for married couples which help work on communication and issue resolution. Initially, my search just brings up couples weekends at local resorts or Bed and Breakfasts’, but, after some more looking, I found the state’s Twogether in Texas program. Mostly, it talks about premarital classes, but there are additional resources and websites for those already married.
I am still unsure of what I think about a few classes or a weekend retreat really fixing communication problems. It seems too quick and easy. If learning to understand your spouse was that easy then the divorce rate would not be so high, right? Considering the divorce rate, maybe it’s time we kick down the doors and start suggesting people consider couples therapy as a healthy, normal and necessary part of married life. One problem I’ve run into is that most insurance policies will not cover couples therapy, although many cover individual therapy. This makes no sense to me. Studies have shown that married people are healthier than single people so it seems insurance companies should want you to stay married, right? Perhaps couples therapy is in line with cosmetic procedures: if you want it and can afford it great, but it’s not really a necessity.
So talk to me. Do you and your spouse go to therapy? Do you like it? Has it helped? Is it a good idea for all marriages, even seemingly healthy ones? Or is couples therapy a last stop on the road to divorce? Is it taboo or am I living under a rock? You can post anonymously if you want so feel free to share away.
Written by: Katie Mastovich
March 10th, 2010 at 12:43 pm
My husband and I are currently separated, and here’s what I learned about counseling: You both have to be open. When we went to couples counseling, I opened up, and admitted my faults and failures as a wife. My husband later used those things against me, and would scream, “See, you even admitted that you blah, blah, blah”. So, it definitely helps, if both are willing to discuss issues, and not take it out on the other person later.
March 10th, 2010 at 2:29 pm
Mike & I had couples counseling before we got married and it really helped me!!! My parents have a rocky marriage & Tons of communicating problems so I was afraid of having a marriage like that!! I think it was great for us, but we were both very open to it! As for insurance paying for it, they did! The counseler knew a way around the system so I think we only had to pay a co-pay! I think counseling can be really helpful, but as Andria said both parties have to be open to it!!
March 11th, 2010 at 1:41 pm
i have experienced couples counseling in my first marriage and in my marriage to josh. in my first marriage, my ex went to only one session with his arms crossed over his chest and ready to argue every single point the counselor made….thus that being my first marriage. okay, that’s a snarky statement. the reality is that my first marriage was in a bad state from day one and counseling was a last ditch effort on my part and not an effort on my ex’s part.
josh and i have been down some really tough roads together and sought marriage counseling after experiencing a miscarriage and not being able to heal together afterward. the counseling turned out to be a bad deal on many levels. we chose a counseling team, which sounded good on paper, but in reality, it turned into an “us” against “them” thing where the counselors played good cop/bad cop and took turns siding with either josh or me. i also found that the counselors were overly fascinated with my childhood issues and wouldn’t stay on the topic of helping me and josh as a couple. we gave it about 10 weeks, and then said “no thanks.” we did not have insurance coverage initially but were able to get a decent amount of our cost refunded after jumping through plenty of hoops and filing reams of paperwork. we did not actually get help from these counselors, but we did bond over how much they sucked and just talking about that got us in a mode of talking about other things. i have to say, though, that two kids, two tough births and recoveries, and almost 5 years later, we are once again facing communication issues. i agree that counseling after marriage should be encouraged just as much if not more than counseling before marriage. it is just too easy to get bogged down in the daily details and to lose sight of yourself as a part of a couple.
March 14th, 2010 at 11:18 am
My husband is in the army, so the sort of couples counseling that requires us to be in a room together without our children is impossible. We don’t even live in the same country half the time! What we elected to do instead was seek out a good relationship book and work through it together, over e-mail, over Skype, through letters, and finally face-to-face when we’re in the same place (a total of 4.5 weeks since January 2009).
We picked We Love Each Other But. Both of us went into the process with an open mind. We not only turned our marriage around, but are more deeply in love and wholly committed than we’ve ever been. We’ve even seen a change in our daughters’ pretend play. When they pretend to be a married couple, there’s a lot more compromise and affection than there used to be.
I talk about this stuff with my close friends, and many of them have talked about being in couples counseling (but not about the details of what went on), but I do think that the cost is prohibitive for many couples, in addition to the challenges of finding childcare during sessions.