Pushing Boundaries : Who’s Worse…The Grandparents or the Kids?
Ahh, in-laws…gotta love ‘em…because you signed up for it 
Okay, really, all grandparents like to push boundaries with kids whether they’re your parents or your spouse’s parents, right? Right? Well, I hope I’m not the only one in this predicament. My MIL is definitely the worst pusher. My mom and dad were very strict on me and my siblings growing up, and they are only slightly less strict on my kids, which is a blessing. My MIL was a pushover with my husband when he was growing up, and she’s not any better with our kids. She’s figured out grandparent currency…sweets, priviledges, and specifically going against parental wishes.
Last summer, this situation was actually very serious because it involved my MIL being blatantly unsupportive when I disciplined my then 3-year-old daugther for going near an unguarded pool without an adult. My MIL literally stepped between me and my daughter and told me that my punishment was too harsh (timeout and loss of pool privilege for the afternoon for sneaking out into the backyard when no one was looking). She did this in front of my very verbal and very precocious daughter who IMMEDIATELY picked up on the fact she could pit us against one another. The rest of the visit was tense because I was constantly running interference between my MIL and daughter and was also having to ask my non-confrontational husband to step in. It was a nightmare that left me dreading this year’s annual trek.
This year turned out SO much better. For one, my MIL finally put a fence around the pool. She also changed her attitude and was very careful to ask us about rules and routines and to double check with us before she offered anything to our kids. I was VERY pleasantly surprised and, frankly, wondering what changed things. I didn’t think she was listening or taking me seriously when I confronted her last summer. My relationship with my MIL has been tense since the wedding, and it’s only gotten more so with the addition of children. After how well our visit went this summer, I feel much less cranky about future visits with her, but it’s always good to be prepared (armed) should the boundary pushing get out of hand again.
Have you encountered this issue with your parents or in-laws? If so, how did you handle it? Is it an ongoing issue or did you find the magical once-and-for-all fix? Although I have found that being very direct and somewhat confrontational was the only thing to work with my MIL, I am open to other suggestions simply because life is a lot sweeter when one is not engaged in a full-on war with the MIL!
August 30th, 2010 at 3:55 pm
My MIL is a self-proclaimed baby expert. When I was expecting my first, she was very pushy about the right way to do things. I felt so frustrated during the pregnancy that I told both sets of parents that they could come out to visit 10 days after the baby was born. It gave me the chance to be the expert with my daughter and learn her cues.
I agree that you have to put it on the table. We all teach people how to treat us and if we take it once, it will happen again. I think my MIL was just oblivious and need to be able to see it from my point of view.